The death of a child of any age is truly devastating. Whether at birth, from an illness, an accident, suicide, or a murder, losing a child takes an emotional toll on families. For some families, it is the unexpected phone call in which you learn that your child has died, and from that one simple phone call comes all the anguish, pain, and suffering. Your life seems out of control. There are no words to describe how each parent or family member feels at the exact moment of hearing such horrendous news. Having a child die is one of the most painful experiences that a parent or family member will encounter during their lifetime, and for those who lose their ‘only’child, the grief is compounded.

The pain and grief can be further compounded when the death comes at the hands of another human being. Parents and family members try to make sense of the inconceivable horror that someone knowingly, willingly, and/or deliberately killed their child. There are no humanly appropriate words to soften the shocking news. The shock permeates the body in waves of unbelief and dreadful pain. Parents have described the pain as something they didn’t think was possible—a pain where they can’t breathe; a stabbing pain so deep it shakes the core of being alive; a dense fog that won’t lift. We are in a terrible storm where our emotions are tossed around without an anchor to ground us.

Losing a child reflects back on the innocence of your child, the one you conceived and gave birth to, the one you nurtured, the one you watched walk for the first time, the one you heard say the sweet words of “dada” and “mama,” and the one you adored and loved with all your heart. Now they are gone! Parents and families who lose a child experience pain that is insurmountable. There are no words to console your shattered hearts.

Families working through the issues of losing a child deserve absolute compassion and a caring heart from everyone they encounter. As one parent describes, “Losing my child for forever seems like a long time, and right now the future looks empty. Lord, teach me to embrace my grief and not fight it, so I may experience the true healing that comes from only You. My heart yearns for yesterday, yearns to do things over, and yearns for my child.”

Most importantly, even though countless people have experienced their own grief, it is important to know that your path of grief will be uniquely your own. Your personal response to grief is different, and you may feel it is useless to talk to others because no one truly understands what you are going through. This is true—no one knows exactly how you feel or the depths of your pain. Yet others who have been through your type of loss may offer some support.

Go easy on yourself and take one day at a time. Patience and encouragement is needed to go through the grieving process. Surround yourself with others who have lost a loved one, if it is possible. Surround yourself with family and friends. They may not know exactly how you feel, and they may even say the wrong things at times, but they are there because they love you. Your way of grieving is unique only to you; the relationship you had with your child is only unique to you. You will grieve and mourn according to your feelings, and that is normal.

One of my grieving clients once said, “My wife died after thirty-two years of marriage, and I left the funeral early. I just wanted to go to the auto junk yard and walk around. I could no longer handle all the energy and words of the people there, so I left and found some solitude in the junk yard, where I could cry and be alone with my grief. My sorrow overwhelmed me, but the quiet, broken-down cars gave me comfort. They, too, were broken, just like me. My family ridiculed and put me down for leaving early, but it didn’t matter. I had to grieve in my own way.”

The grieving process generally takes longer than you can imagine. Some people try to rush this process. You never “get over” your loss, as you will always remember your loved one, but instead, you learn in time to heal as you walk “through” it.

Remember, what you are feeling is not normal, but it is necessary. Knowing the Lord and His comfort does not take away the ache; instead He supports you in the middle of your ache.

There are many resources available for grieving parents and grandparents. Contact one of your local groups for the help you desperately need to work through your grief. Here are a few suggestions:

The Compassionate Friends (https://www.compassionatefriends.org/)

Local grieving support groups (Other people going through grief help others)

Hospital grieving groups

Counselors/Therapists