LOSING A CHILD TO MURDER

Oh Lord, I hurt so badly, so what do I do with all this pent-up rage and anger?

Families working through the issues of losing a child to murder deserve absolute compassion and a caring heart from everyone they encounter. As one parent stated who lost their son to murder, “My grief was complicated by the fact that another human being chose to take my child’s life. Letting the word murder become part of my vocabulary seemed so foreign to my tongue. Not only is my child gone, but he was murdered! It feels unreal and surreal. How can this be? This stuff happens on TV or in movies, but not in my own life, not in my home, and definitely not to my child. This news becomes a real and dark nightmare that affects everything in my life.”

He goes on to say, “If I could only go to sleep and wake up to find out it wasn’t true. But sleep doesn’t come. My mind can’t shut off as I continue to visualize the horror, over and over in my mind, of what my child must have gone through. My mind cringes over and over at the thought, unable to sleep and unable to find a way out of this nightmare. Outside, the world is still turning. Life as I knew it has just changed forever.”

As one parent describes, “Losing my child for forever seems like a long time, and right now the future looks empty. Lord, teach me to embrace my grief and not fight it, so I may experience the true healing that comes from only You. My heart yearns for yesterday, yearns to do things over, and yearns for my child.”

Parents who lose a child to murder have many unique issues that complicate the grieving process. For the parents and family left behind, they are faced with some of the following issues that need attention, sometimes taking them away from the grieving process. On the Parents of Murdered Children website, some of these include:

• Lack of information about who killed your loved one and why. Are they still out there, and will they come back to hurt us?

• Endless grief and a loss of ability to work, be at home, or go to school.

• Memories or pictures of a mutilated body at the morgue. Did my loved one suffer?

• Feelings of guilt for not protecting the child. Fathers bear an unnecessary burden in our society, feeling their special role is one of protector. They suffer in silence with this pain.· Coping with a society that blames the victim for being in the wrong place.

• Strain on marriages and family relationships.

• Effects on health, faith, and values.

• Financial burden of medical and funeral expenses.

• Finding the murderer, gathering evidence, interviews, and trial.

• Delays in a criminal trial and appeals.

• Unanswered questions of “What happened?”

As you can see from this list, the problems of survivors can seem endless. It is important to get as much help as you can to maneuver through the system as you grieve your loss. You can’t do it alone. Stand with others who have suffered a loss, too.

The website of the group Parents of Murdered Children has a wealth of information that can assist you (https://www.pomc.org/)

Unfortunately, across America today there are millions of hearts that have been “shattered” by the murderous death of a dad, mom, son, daughter, brother, sister, friend, and unfortunately, innocent children. Murder—a senseless death that didn’t have to happen. We ask why, but we have no answers. Parents and families are left to pick up the pieces that will haunt them for the rest of their lives.

It is hard to imagine that in addition to thousands being murdered each year, there are approximately 2,300 children who go missing every day in the United States. Children can become missing for many reasons, such as misunderstandings; becoming runaways, lost, stranded, or injured; family abductions, and stranger abductions; tragically, some of these children are never found. The parents of missing children carry the additional burden of never knowing what happened to their child. The grief and pain for these families is life-shattering.

Unfortunately, crime is one thing that will always be present in society. The nature of the human mind, shaped by its childhood and life experiences, can end up in lifestyles where they are exposed to crime or exposed to parents who are violent.

The number-one reason for America’s high criminal rate is the breakdown of the family. Other factors include poverty, drugs, alcohol, racism, peer pressure, parental neglect, religion, family violence, unemployment, and a general attitude toward lawlessness. A breakdown in family moral values and the ease of obtaining drugs and alcohol can lead people down the road of crime.

With this trend toward violence, thousands of young victims are losing their lives, resulting in parents, family members, and friends suffering from broken hearts. This kind of unexpected and staggering loss can absolutely “shatter” the heart.

The purpose of the book, “Forgiving the Killer while grieving Uriah” is to share the eight-year struggle that Johnny and Debbie McDaniel endured after the loss of their son, Uriah Ulysses McDaniel. His twenty-year life ended when another man took Uriah’s life into his own hands and murdered him due to a senseless act of jealousy.

Johnny and Debbie endured pain that set them off on a trail of anger, depression, suicidal thoughts, and survivor’s guilt. At times, they wanted life to end and for the pain to stop. Gradually, they discovered other parents of murdered children who identified with their suffering. They attended private counseling sessions and healing conferences. Eventually, they learned through healing and forgiveness workshops, which included God’s Word, how to minister to others to help them through the process. Their travels took them to prisons to help prisoners with forgiveness. They learned that true forgiveness is only possible through the healing strength of God.

If you have recently lost a loved one, you may not be ready for forgiveness yet, and you may not be ready for God, either—and that is a normal reaction. It may not be just about forgiving the killer; there may be forgiveness needed for the person who caused the accident; forgiveness for a person who took his or her own life; and forgiveness for yourself if you carry guilty feelings or self-blaming thoughts. You may be in the “raw” time of mourning when it is difficult to think of anything but your grief and your feelings of revenge, anger, or depression. It is normal to have those types of feelings during the grieving process. Yet there is hope available to help set you free from the pain and anguish.

Every loss has its unique circumstances that affect those loved ones left behind. Parents, grandparents, and family members who lose a child—whether from an illness, an accident, or a homicide—need extra comfort, sensitivity, and love to help them through the grieving process. The taking of an innocent life before its time is especially difficult and hard to understand.

Be encouraged that regardless of how your grief appears to you or others, it has a precious uniqueness to the One who created you. God knows intimately your personality, your relationships, and the experiences of your life. He knows your grief and isn’t shocked or surprised by your responses. Even though your heart is breaking, even though tears are filling your eyes and staining your cheeks, God does give you something worth trusting during difficult times—and that is Him and Him alone.

In your grief, may God offer you mercy, comfort, and encouragement as you read this book and search for the peace within as you begin to heal your shattered heart.

Jesus wept.

John 11:35 NKJV

(Excerpt from Amazon book: “Forgiving the Killer while grieving Uriah” authored by Susan Free)